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Click on a topic or scroll down the page for our quick tips for the following situations:
#1: 5 Ways to Combat Rudeness
#2: A great handshake—at home or abroad
#3: Beyond the handshake
#4: Group Restaurant Invitations
#5: The Finer Points of Dating Courtesy—Gender Neutral
#6: Children’s Birthday Party Etiquette
#7: Lipstick at the Table
#8: Counterclockwise!
#9: Finer points of tipping
#10: RSVP ASAP
#11: Food Allergies and Vegetarian Options
#12: Invitation Timing
#13: Thank-you Notes: to Send or Not to Send?
#14: Wedding Gifts: How Late is Too Late?
#15: Who Can Host a Shower?
In North America and Europe, a firm handshake is an appropriate form of greeting. In Asia and the Middle East, where hand shaking is still relatively new, the customary grip is gentler; a too-hearty grip could be interpreted as aggressive. In Islamic countries, offering your hand to a woman is highly offensive. At the other extreme, it’s said that you can never shake hands too much in France, whre women shake hands as freely and as often as men.
Here’s when it’s okay—and not—to use more personal greetings:
The Peck on the Cheek: Men and women should refrain from kissing in business situations, since even an innocent peck might be misconstrued. The exception is when people know each other quite well, especially when they greet each other at a quasi-social event like a convention or a business lunch.
The Air Kiss: This cheek-touch with pursed lips that began as a way of avoiding smudged makeup can come across as insincere. Stick with the handshake
Many people ask, how do I invite people to a restaurant, but make it clear that they each pay their own way? It’s all in the phrasing. You need to make it clear that you are the coordinator, not the host. Don’t send invitations, rather call and say, “ John, would you and Ellen like to meet us at Chez Pierre on Saturday night? We are asking Michelle and Eric, too. We though it would be fun for the six of us to have a night out together. Just let me know if you can come and I’ll make the reservation. By posing your request this way, it’s clear that you are just the social coordinator and not the host, so everyone should understand that they are paying for their own meal.
However, if you had said, “We’re hosting a dinner at Chez Pierre,” or sent a written invitation with that wording, then your guests would be right to assume that dinner is on you.
Holding the door: Whoever gets to the door first holds it for others.
Getting off an elevator: The person closest to the door exists first.
Helping to put on a coat: Anyone having trouble putting on a coat or sweater should receive some help, regardless of gender.
Paying for a meal: Whoever does the inviting does the paying.
Standing: Getting up to greet someone is always polite—and this is especially important when the person is elderly or is a business superior or client. It’s also the thing to do when you are being introduced to someone.
Walking on the outside: The custom of a man walking between his female companion and the street was the custom in the days when carriages splashed mud and ladies’ finery needed shielding. These days, it doesn’t matter who is walking on the street side of the sidewalk.
Shaking hands: Used to be that a man was supposed to wait for a woman to offer her hand before he extended his. Today, regardless of gender, people should shake hands upon meeting, and it doesn’t matter who puts their hand out first.
Helping to carry something: A neighbor or coworker—anyone—who is overloaded with books or packages will appreciate an offer of help from whoever is nearby.
It’s okay to quickly apply lipstick at the table if you’re with close friends or relatives in a non-business situation, and at a non-deluxe restaurant. In general, personal grooming should be done in private for the simple reason that it can be annoying and it’s tacky. But putting on lipstick without using a mirror and without fanfare is one grooming ritual that can sometimes be performed in front of others. Still, think first! When in doubt, don’t do it, such as when you’re at a business meal or with people you don’t know very well.
Technically, food is passed around the table in a counterclockwise direction, or to the right. The reason there’s even a guideline for this is to provide some sense of order when passing food. Common sense comes into play, too. If someone only a few places away from you on your left asks for something to be passed, by all means just pass it to the left instead of sending it all the way around to the right. In general, what’s important is that when several dishes are being passed at the same time, they all go in the same direction.
A tip should always be earned. Reward good service generously and reduce the tip proportionately for indifferent or rude service. A good rule of thumb is ten percent if the service is mediocre and eight percent if it’s really poor. That way, you help to raise the standard of service. Leaving no tip does not correct the problem of poor service.
Treat servers with respect. Leaving a generous tip doesn’t make up for ordering someone around or treating them dismissively. While tipping augments servers’ incomes and rewards them for a job well done, treating them kindly is just as important.
When in doubt about whether to tip, ask in advance. If a department store is scheduled to deliver a new sofa, call and ask someone in the furniture department whether tipping is customary; in a hair salon, ask the receptionist. In some situations, leaving a tip could be seen as demeaning. Taking the time to find out what’s expected can spare you an embarrassing moment.
Tip on the pre-tax amount of the bill, not on the total.
Tip discreetly. Tipping is a private matter. Don’t act like a “big spender” and flash a lot of bills.
Money is the tip of choice. Sometimes a small gift, usually given during the holidays, can be substituted for cash. In the case of a hairdresser, for example, this gift can “top off” the cash tips you’ve given over the year.
It is inconsiderate, but unfortunately common, for guests to fail to RSVP. Some forget; others procrastinate and then feel guilty, so they delay even longer. To many a host on the non-receiving end of an RSVP, it seems as if an invitee is simply waiting for something “better” to possibly come along. One of the sad parts about the demise of the RSVP is that relationships often suffer due to hosts’ resultant hurt feelings and frustration. It is perfectly polite, however, for hosts to call friends to ask if they plan to attend. Anyone who receives an invitation has an important obligation to reply as soon as possible.
Definitely mention any allergy that could cause a serious reaction. When you call to RSVP, explain to your host, “We’d love to come for dinner, but I have to tell you that Becky is deathly allergic to peanuts.” Dietary preferences such as vegetarianism or a low-carb diet should be handled differently. At large parties and buffets, where there’s usually a large variety of foods to choose from, make do with what is available. However, if the gathering is small, the dinner is in your honor, or you’re going to be an overnight houseguest, do mention your restrictions and offer to bring a dish to share. Say, “Thanks so much for the invitation. I should let you know that I’m a vegetarian. I’d love to bring a quiche if that’s okay with you.” This way, your host won’t waste time preparing the wrong food for you or have to trouble himself figuring out what type of dish would best suit your preferences.
Whether you’re mailing invitations or inviting guests by phone, timing is key. Send an invitation too late and the guest may already be booked; send it too early and it might be misplaced or forgotten. The following guidelines aren’t set in stone, but will give you an idea of when to mail various types of invitations.
| The Event | When to Invite |
| Anniversary party | 3 to 6 weeks |
| Bar or Bat Mitzvah | 1 month |
| Bon Voyage party | Last minute to 3 weeks |
| Casual party | Same day to 2 weeks |
| Charity Ball | 6 weeks to 3 months |
| Christmas party | 1 month |
| Cocktail party | 1 to 4 weeks |
| Debutante Ball | 6 weeks to 3 months |
| Formal dinner | 3 to 6 weeks |
| Graduation party | 3 weeks |
| Housewarming party | A few days to 3 weeks |
| Informal dinner | A few days to 3 weeks |
| Lunch or Tea | A few days to 2 weeks |
| Thanksgiving dinner | 2 weeks to 2 months |
It’s never wrong to send a written thank-you—and—people always appreciate getting “thanks” in writing. Why? Handwritten notes are warmer and more special than other forms of thank-yous. The rule of thumb is that you should send a written note any time you receive a gift (even a ‘thank you’ gift) and the giver wasn’t there to thank in person. But notes are not always necessary. If, for example, the gift is from a close friend or relative (and it’s not a wedding gift) you can email or call instead if you prefer. Below are some other note-writing guidelines:
Shower gifts. Even though the gift giver attended the shower in your honor and you had a chance to say thanks for her gift, you should still send a written note.
Wedding gifts. Each wedding gift should be acknowledged with a written note within three months of receipt of the gift. It’s best to write the notes as soon as possible after gifts arrive, however. Write a note even if you have thanked the giver in person.
Congratulatory gifts or cards. Anyone who sends a present, or a card with a personally written message, should receive a note in return.
Gifts received when sick. Thank-you notes should be written as soon as the patient feels well enough—or a friend or relative can write the notes. It’s okay to call close friends rather than write.
Condolence notes or gifts. Everyone who has sent a personal note, flowers or a donation should get a written thank-you. A close friend or relative can write the notes on the recipient’s behalf.
Gifts should be delivered as close to the wedding date as possible. Most guests actually send gifts before the wedding, although some send them shortly after the wedding date as well. Gifts can be sent as soon as the wedding invitation arrives. Contrary to popular belief, guests do not have a year in which to send a gift. The gift should be sent within three months of the wedding, at the outside.
It had long been considered a breach of etiquette for family members to host showers because it could seem self-serving. But today family members frequently step in to host showers, especially when common sense dictates such a solution. For example, the bride may be visiting her future in-laws and the groom’s mother or sister wants to invite hometown friends and family to meet her. OR, the bridal party is spread around the country and it’s difficult to pinpoint a common geographic location to gather and celebrate. Let individual circumstances be your guide when determining who should serve as host.
When is a shower held? The ideal timing is two months to two weeks before the wedding – after the couple has firm wedding plans.
Must the bridesmaids host a shower? Contrary to some misconceptions, bridesmaids are not required to host a shower. One of an attendant’s duties is to host a shower if she chooses to do so.
Are shower guests wedding guests? Yes, normally anyone invited to a shower would be invited to the wedding. One exception: when coworkers wish to throw an office shower for the bride, even though all are not being invited to the wedding.
How many showers can be given? As a general rule, two showers is the limit, with different guests invited to each. Those close to the bride can, however, correctly be invited to more than one shower, but they are not expected to bring gifts after the first shower.
How many people can be invited? The hostess is the person footing the bills and providing the space and therefore is the one who decides the number of guests. Showers should be an intimate party—not a gathering that rivals the wedding.
What about couples’ showers? Showers for both the bride and the groom are popular these days, and showers for the groom only are a recent phenomenon. Couple showers can be themed: examples include lingerie, gourmet cook and great outdoors showers.
Can the host include registry information in the shower invitation? Yes, it is fine for the hostess to include gift registry information with (but not on) the invitation. It’s important, though, to remember that it’s totally the guest’s choice as to gift selection.
Can an encore bride have a wedding shower? Yes. If the bride has been married before, she may be given a shower, but it’s better to cut back on inviting friends and relatives who were invited to a shower for her first wedding. If the bride is marrying for the first time but her groom has been married before, she certainly may have a traditional shower.
Showers for same-sex couples. The choice of whether to have a shower is up to the couple. The guidelines are the same, regardless of the sex of the couple.
