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MONSTER ALERT!
You Aren't Losing Your Son….You're Gaining a Daughter-in-Law
By Peggy Post
The Emily Post Institute, Inc.
April 28, 2005
The new movie Monster-in-Law from NewLine Cinema opens on May 13, starring Jane Fonda, Jennifer Lopez and Michael Vartan. The movie looks at the relationship between a bride-to-be (Lopez) and her soon to be mother-in-law (Jane Fonda) who is intent on keeping her son from marrying. She's just lost her career-and she doesn't want to lose her son too. So she decides to become her son's fiancé's worst nightmare.
The real-life predicaments of soon-to-be-newlyweds and soon-to-be in-laws has provided Hollywood with ample fodder for decades. Some films have been great fun--including the recent "Meet the Fockers. Some approach the in-law issue from a different angle, as in "Guess Who" (a remake of the 1967 classic "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner") where Ashton Kutcher becomes involved with an African American woman whose father is shocked to learn that his daughter's intended is white. In-laws are even featured prominently in the adorable "Shrek 2."
Why the Hollywood staying power with such an ordinary, everyday theme? We can all relate! What's more fun than seeing actresses live out our nightmares or fantasies? These movies perform a great service: They make us more aware of our own in-law relationships and the importance of living in harmonious accord (doing so makes life much easier and more enjoyable!). The Hollywood stories bring forth life lessons. We can all learn by example - both good and bad ones.
I can't wait to see these two actresses in action in "Monster-in-Law" wrestling with this new relationship that will ultimately become a major part of their lives. In my work, I've spoken with thousands of brides, grooms and in-laws. Concerns - real ones, not the made-in-Hollywood kind - are based on establishing good relationships: How to deal with an overbearing or whiney in-law-to-be? Why does planning a wedding create such anxiety? A bride asks: "How do I listen, but still do what I want?"
Five Steps for Creating In-Law Harmony
1. You're engaged! Start off on right foot.
Brides and grooms must be aware of their parents' (or children's,
in case of
remarriage) natural concerns. Even if parents are thrilled, the
marriage means a change. Understand that change can produce anxiety.
Demonstrate your happiness to your own family members and explain
your plans - for your wedding and beyond - early on. Be open
minded and patient. You'll be improving chances of creating harmonious
in-law relations.
2. Address any concerns/problems.
Be attuned as the new family grows "from this day forward" and
the in-law relationships develop. Listen to each of your loved
ones - your spouse, your parents, your siblings, and your children
( in the case of a stepparent). Don't let problems fester. Work
at getting your family and mate acquainted and be ready to help
mend any fences whenever necessary.
3. Time - and a united front - can work wonders.
Be your mate's advocate. Don't allow any of your family members
to be monstrous to your spouse. "Mom, your behavior is
hurtful - to me and to Susan. Let's see how I can help you
learn to accept her." Often, a parent or child will come
around to learning that the in-law is really OK! Give the new
in-law relationship some encouragement and time to grow.
4. Be a fair, open-minded in-law.
Learn to forgive and forget. Regardless of whether you're the
mother-in-law, stepchild, stepmom, son-in-law - whatever -
don't be a monster. For example, no control-freak tactics,
and ditch any idea about trying to ambush your loved one's
allegiances. Find the good in your in-law. If you think your
mother-in-law is the "wicked witch of the west" remember
that none of us is perfect (plus, she is your husband's mother!).
Or, your daughter-in-law might not meet your expectations,
but she's a loving wife and mother. Bury the hatchet.
5. Etiquette's principals to the rescue!
Respect, consideration, and tactful honesty save the day. Be
respectful of different viewpoints (agree to disagree, when
necessary). Commit acts of
kindness: "Would you like a hand with that casserole?" instead
of "You don't know what you're doing!" Tact, delivered
with light humor can be a great
diffuser: "Your homemade pie might not be beautiful, but
that's what's important! What matters is that you make my son
so happy!" That's thinking before you speak. Spoken like
a true non-Monster-in-law!
My PostNote: Today's families are self-defining and seem almost infinitely
varied in their size, structure, and complexity. Just think of
the myriad and complex in-law relationships! Is there an "ideal" family
to be found among such mixes? There is. It is found anywhere
that love grows, respect and diversity are nurtured among individuals,
and kindness and consideration flourish.
