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For the week of December 24, 2006
Q. After having dinner at a friend’s house, is it proper etiquette to send a thank you note or are verbal thanks upon parting adequate?
A. It really depends on your relationship. For intimate friends, verbal thanks are usually just fine, but it is never wrong to send a written follow-up thank-you for a very nice time. If you don't write a note, consider giving your host or hostess a call the next morning to thank them again.
If your hosts are fairly new friends, a written thank-you is especially nice. It certainly shows your thoughtfulness and your appreciation of their efforts to entertain you.
For the week of December 18, 2006
Q. What is the proper etiquette regarding name tags at a company office party? Most people know each other with the exception of the executives, who don’t know many of the non-executive employees. We are split on this. Some view it as a useful tool; others feel offended that the executives don't know who they are. Please advise.
A. Using name tags to identify colleagues at a corporate function can be a very useful tool to help everyone avoid the discomfort of not being sure exactly whom they're speaking with. This is especially true in today's business world, where coworkers may interact many times a day by phone and e-mail, without ever coming into face-to-face contact with each other, let alone the executive staff.
For the week of November 27, 2006
Q. What are the rules for the proper order of introducing people to one another? Is it male or female first? Does age (i.e. respecting your elders) matter? If I'm out with someone and run into someone else I know, is there a proper order of introducing the person I'm with, or the person we meet? Any insight will be very much appreciated.
A. The simplest and most effective way to make an introduction is to speak to the more important person first. Example: “Grandmother, I would like to introduce you to my friend Jane Everts. Jane, this is my grandmother, Mrs. Smith.”
“Mr. Client, I would like to introduce you to my manager, Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones, this is Robert Client, Vice President of XYZ Corporation.”
Traditionally, in social situations, men are introduced to women.
"Mrs. Barrett, I'd like you to meet Mr. Farnham."
Except for members of your family, no woman is ever presented to a man unless he is:
The head of a country
A member of a royal family
A church official or
An older man in high position, such as a governor.
In business, which is gender neutral, follow the rule of speaking to the more important person first: “Mr. Jones, please meet Ms. Anne Smith. Ms. Smith, this is Mr. Robert Jones, the President of our company.”
A younger person is introduced to an older person:
"Professor Johnston, I'd like you to meet my niece, Mary Cox."
"Aunt Ruth, this is my roommate, Mimi Citron."
A person of high rank or special prominence is named first and receives the introduction:
“Bishop Gordon, may I present my husband, John?”
Outsiders are introduced to family members if they are the same age and rank.
“Jeff, I’d like you to meet my brother, Steve.”
For the week of November 20, 2006
Q. I am addressing envelopes for holiday cards and am wondering what I do in the case of families. Is it appropriate to address the envelope to 'The Miller Family'? I'd hate to write just Mr. and Mrs. Miller if they have children. Thank you for your help!
A. Addressing a card to a family is appropriate, especially if you know a couple has children but you don't know their names. If you're not sure if a couple has children, stick to using only the couple's names, not "Family" or "and Family."
To address a family, the following are appropriate:
Mr. and Mrs. William Miller and Family
The Miller Family
For the week of November 13, 2006
Q. I am the mother of the bride. The invitation wording is traditional (Dr. and Mrs. John Henry Smith request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter Elizabeth Ann to James Merrill Hart son of… etc.). She would like to have a monogram initial on a vellum overlay over the invitations. Would it be appropriate to have the initial 'H' (her fiancé’s last name initial)? Or should it have the bride's present last name initial, 'S'?
A. Before the wedding, the bride's family's initial is used on an invitation like this, and her monogram or family initial – in this case, ‘S’ – is used on any stationery. After the wedding, she can use the "H" and the couple's monogram anywhere she likes! Best wishes to your daughter.
For the week of October 30, 2006
Q. How do you handle this situation?
I find I am often using my cell phone on the street, whether walking or standing, when an acquaintance comes along and stops out of social obligation after seeing me. I am torn about what to do next. I feel compelled to continue talking on the phone, since that party was my original connection. However, it is very awkward for the acquaintance and me to both wait for the conversation to end. You can imagine the hand signals.
At times, the phone conversation has been casual; at other times, it has been somewhat crucial to making immediate plans.
Which contact takes priority?
A. We think the in-person contact takes priority. If your relationships with—and the perceptions of—the acquaintances you meet on the street are important to you (and since you wrote, we are guessing that they are), then it would be best to end your call as quickly as possible so you may greet the person you see while you're walking.
For the week of October 16, 2006
Q. As a groomsman in a wedding, are you responsible for giving both a traditional wedding gift and a joint gift from the groomsmen?
A. Traditionally, one of the duties of groomsmen/ushers is to contribute to the ushers' gift to the bride and groom or to give an individual gift to the couple. You're not obligated to do both, although you certainly may if you wish.
For the week of October 9, 2006
Q. In a business and or customer service setting, what is an appropriate response to being addressed or referred to as 'honey', 'sweetie', 'sugar' when you are not comfortable being addressed in that manner? We want to remain professional while still maintaining customer boundaries.
A. First, don't take it personally. You may simply respond, "I prefer to be called (Cindy, Ms. Smith). Now, how may I help you?" Maintain a pleasant, calm tone of voice. In this way, you have made the correction and moved on.
Note: In a business setting, men and women should be addressed by their names. "Sweetie," "honey" and the like have no place in a business conversation. Nor should they be used to address sales clerks. Whether spoken to a man or a woman, these words can be demeaning to the person being addressed.
For the week of October 2, 2006
Q. I want to ask two of my cousins to be bridesmaids, but they are sisters who are in a family fight and have not spoken to each other in a year. It is so bad that when I had lunch with one of them last month she told me, “I know it's a year away, but don't take it personally, I can't go to your wedding. It's five against one.” She doesn't want to see the rest of her family members there.
After contemplating her response, I thought it may be best to give this estranged cousin her space and not include her in the bridal party anymore, but still pursue asking her younger sister. I was going to write her a letter of understanding and basically let her know, “I actually wanted to ask you to be my bridesmaid, but I understand your situation. I hope you wouldn't mind if I still ask ______. And, it would mean a lot to me if you can still make it to our wedding.”
I am putting the bridesmaid preparations (i.e. gown selection, etc.) on hold because of this dilemma. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Am I going about this the right way?
A.In this case, even though you are very fond of both cousins and would like to have them a bridal attendants, perhaps the best course of action is not to ask either one. You have already indicated that both cannot participate together, and choosing one over the other is bound to lead to more angst and headaches for you before the wedding. Your attendants should be sisters or intimate friends who can lend a hand during the wedding preparations, and you do not need the extra anxiety of being pulled into a family fight. Our advice is to invite the cousins to the wedding, but not ask either one to be an attendant.
For the week of September 25, 2006
Q. Thanks to Peter Post for talking to us Dartmouth students about etiquette [Dartmouth College Student Etiquette Dinner, August 21, 2006]. At the dinner, however, I did forget to ask one question: who pays for meals at a business lunch? As a college student, I really don't have a lot of money so usually I try to make coffee appointments or other engagements that will allow me to pay for my part up front at the cashier. Whenever I do have a business lunch, normally the person will treat, but each time that happens, I feel like I'm taking advantage of the other person. When I bring up my concern, usually people will say something to the effect of, “Just enjoy it while it lasts.”
Any advice?
A. We're so glad you found Peter's talk at Dartmouth to be useful.
You bring up a good question. Just as with any hosting situation, the person who does the inviting is expected to pick up the tab, unless something was clearly specified before the meeting. For example, if when someone mentioned lunch, he said, "Do you want to have lunch next Tuesday?" the door is open for you to split the bill. Any negotiating about who is going to pay, or if the bill will be split, should be done at the time of the ask, not when the bill is presented at the table.
If you end up in a business relationship with a person who has hosted you at one or more meals, it would be thoughtful to reciprocate in some way later. And it would be good form to write a thank-you note after you've been treated to lunch or dinner, just to make the point that you appreciated the gesture. It's never wrong to write a thank-you note, and in business, when you want to make a strong impression, it's a good idea.
Your strategy of arranging cost-efficient (and often more efficient in terms of time spent, too!) coffees
rather than expensive meals is a good one. Again, if you do the inviting, you should do the paying. Good
luck to you as you navigate a career path—your good business etiquette will serve you well.
For the week of September 18, 2006
Q. I am hoping to buy my first house. I have a 'buyer's agent' working for me. He has gone out of his way to help me find financing. When we finally find the right house, do I send him a thank you card, a fruit basket, or is his commission his thanks?
A. It would be fine to send him a thank-you note or card but it isn't mandatory. In fact, it is not unusual for a realtor to give his or her client a gift and to follow up with a thank-you note. You have contracted for his services and his commission is his compensation.
For the week of September 11, 2006
Q. When you get married and decide to keep your last name and use your new married last name, do you hyphenate the two last names, or does your original last name become your middle name?
A. Many women officially take their maiden name as their middle name (Jane Elizabeth Smith changes her name to Jane Smith Johnson). Then they would use their first and last names (Jane Johnson) socially.
Others choose to hyphenate their last names and use both socially (Jane Elizabeth Smith legally
changes her name to Jane Elizabeth Smith-Jenkins).
Either is correct and both are common. It's a matter of personal preference.
For the week of September 4, 2006
Q. My daughter’s Quince (Spanish 15th birthday) will be on live web cast for the benefit of those who will not be able to attend. How do I communicate this information? Should it be on the Save the Date card, the invitation, the RSVP card? What wording would be proper?
A. What an interesting question! We suggest that you place it on the bottom of the RSVP card, saying:
If you are unable to attend, Sara’s Quince will be web cast (provide information as to where and when).
We hope you will be able to “join” us!
For the week of August 28, 2006
Q. My mother recently passed away and my sisters and I are sending thank-yous to people who send flowers and food. This is the first time I've been involved in this process, do I send thank-yous to those people who send sympathy cards or do we respond in a different way?
A. Please accept our condolences.
Handwritten notes of condolence should always be acknowledged (by the recipient, if possible), as
should flowers, mass cards, contributions to charities, and acts of kindness. The exception is when the
writer asks that her note not be acknowledged—a thoughtful thing to do when writing a close friend or
when someone you know well will receive a great number of condolences.
A pre-printed card with no personal message added does not require a written thank-you note. If a
personal note was included, then a thank-you note should be written.
Letters are customarily also written to pallbearers, honorary pallbearers and ushers. Visits to the funeral home do not need to be acknowledged in writing.
A personal message on a fold-over card is preferable to any printed card, and these notes take only a moment to write.
Here is a sample of a note to acknowledge a condolence card:
Dear Paige and Will:
My family and I were touched by your tender expression of sympathy. Your words spoke beautifully of my mother, her spirit, and the joy she brought to us all. Please know how much we appreciate your kindness and concern.
Very sincerely,
Barry Paden
Some people find that writing these thank-you’s is comforting, and others find it overwhelming. It is fine to
ask other close family members to help you with the acknowledgements, and the above letter, speaking
for the family, would also be appropriate.
For the week of August 21, 2006
Q. I have a question about wedding etiquette that I could not find in your wedding etiquette book. If save-the-date cards have been sent out in advance and people have replied that they can't attend after receiving the save-the-date card, do you still send them an invitation?
A. Yes, all guests who receive a save-the-date card should also receive an invitation. Then they can see the invitation (something many people look forward to!) and have the opportunity to reply formally.
For the week of August 14, 2006
Q. What is the proper way to handle this situation: You run into someone you've met before. They obviously don't remember meeting you. Do you act as though you've never met them previously, or is it proper to say, “I think we've met before,” even though they don't seem to remember?
A. As with any situation in which etiquette is a question, it is best for you to respond with respect, consideration and honesty.
In this case, it may be best to say something like, "You look familiar—I believe we may have met at
[name of event/place where you remember meeting]." Since you've described the situation in vague
terms, the other person may be put at ease and therefore not embarrassed that they have forgotten. You
are being honest that you believe you have met before, but you are also showing respect and
consideration for this person, who may simply have had a brief memory lapse!
For the week of August 7, 2006
Q. I am curious to know, if I were to throw a (small) party for another person (like my Mom), who gets the final say on the length of the guest list? She wants to invite far more people than I originally intended, can afford to have and can handle in my small apartment. But she insists that if she is the guest of honor she gets to invite however many people and/or whomever she likes. What is the proper etiquette for this situation?
A. As host, the size of the guest list is your decision. Perhaps you can explain your financial and
space limitations for the party, and suggest that you work together to create a guest list that meets the
criteria you set. It may be helpful if you explain the situation in terms like these: "I want to make sure our
guests are comfortable in my small apartment, and that I can provide enough food and drink for the entire
group. That's why it's important for us to settle on a guest list of XX people."
For the week of July 31, 2006
Q. I am writing thank you notes and have received a gift from a married couple, both of whom are doctors (MDs). I do not know the couple well. I know how to address the outside of the envelope, but how do I address them in the note? Would it be 'Dear Drs. Smith, Thank you, etc.' or 'Dear Dr. and Dr. Smith?'
A. It's nice of you to want to get this right! Thank you notes for gifts should be very personal—and
they don't have to be formal or stuffy. If you call this couple by their first names when conversing with
them, then you may use their first names in the salutation of the note ("Dear Fred and Sue,"). If you really
have a more formal relationship with them, or they are of an older generation, you could use "Dear
Doctors Smith" as the salutation.The most important aspects of thank you notes are sincerity and
promptness.
For the week of July 24, 2006
Q. How do you send an invitation to about 10 people for a small lunch get together just to celebrate a friend having her 4th child (not an official shower, just a little intimate time as friends)? Also, how do I let the people know that we'll all be paying for our own lunch?
A. "Encore showers" can be fun for both the expectant mother and her friends. These showers or
the small luncheon you describe should be limited to close relatives and very close friends. Due to the
intimacy of the event, there is no need to send invitations. In addition, written invitations are not sent to
guests for an event where they are expected to pay their own way.
Instead, make it a group effort and make it clear that you are only the organizer, not the hostess. In this case, the phone works best. "Sally, a bunch of us were thinking of treating Janie to lunch before the baby arrives. It will be at noon at Chez Harry on August 4th. It's Dutch treat (or, we are splitting the bill), and we will all split Janie's meal." You don't want anyone to be surprised at the event, so make sure they are aware of the payment arrangements ahead of time.
For the week of July 10, 2006
Q. My wife and I own a small jewelry design studio. We have a client who has been with us for about 10 years. I haven't heard from her for about 6 months when it usually has been many times a year. Her and her husband have recently retired. I believe that is why the visits have lessened due to more limited income, but I am not entirely sure. I would like to give a call on just a friendly, concerned note, but not sure how to do this without making her feel bad or like I'm calling to continue business. We have had such a good relationship that I feel bad not calling. What is the etiquette and content of the call in this situation?
A. This is a very nice thought and it is of course fine to call, as a friend, not as a vendor. You can
simply say you have been thinking about her and hoping they are enjoying their retirement, ask her about
it, and then sign off never mentioning her as a customer at all. It is always difficult when someone just
disappears after a long relationship without having some sort of contact or closure. If she says
something about your business relationship or apologizes, you could reassure her that that is not why
you are calling at all, that you are calling simply because you have missed her, have always enjoyed her
company, and just wanted to check in.
For the week of July 3, 2006
Q. I am giving my best 42-year-old friend a bridal shower. How would I word an invitation for a greenback shower with gift card selections? The bride to be and her future husband don't need any household gifts.
A. You wouldn't. A shower is all about presents. While money is a fine wedding gift, it is not a fine
shower gift. Showers are about guests gathering around and watching the bride-to-be open her gifts.
Watching her open envelopes of money or gift cards is not fun at all. If the couple doesn't need anything,
then there shouldn't be a shower. However, think about a lingerie shower for the bride, or a recipe
shower, where guests write their favorite recipe on a card, or a garden shower where they give plants
and flowers, or a bar shower where they give bar accessories and wine. You still can have a shower but
it is important to have gifts be part of that day.
For the week of June 26, 2006
Q. Hi! I work at a daycare. Every day this particular mom, 'Jenny' comes to pick up her child she stays for a minimum of 30-45 minutes and chats. Jenny usually brings her other two children in as well. The children mess up the play area and mom doesn't make them pick up. Also they come at snack time and are usually looking at us with puppy dog eyes. I think this is very rude because no matter the amount, snacks cost money, and Jenny isn't paying for her other two children to be there. How do we politely get her out the door in a timely manner? We've tried everything that we can think of. One time we even ran the vacuum and she just talked louder.
A. It is a delicate situation and, unfortunately, there is no "right" answer. Since you have tried to be
tactful, you might consider being more specific. For example, you might say something along the lines of "Jenny, I have to be honest with you. Although it's lovely to chat with you and understandable that [the children's names] want to play and have a snack, they tend to make a mess which I end up cleaning up, and I don't mean to be petty but the extra snacks they eat do add up. Therefore, I hope you understand why we would appreciate it if you could pick up [the youngest child's name] in a more timely manner."
For the week of June 19, 2006
Q. My boyfriend enjoys cooking and watches many cooking shows on TV. For his birthday, I decided to buy him a top-of-the-line multi-purpose chef's knife that has been given rave reviews from many chefs on the Food Network channel. I put a lot of thought into the gift and I thought he would love it. However, he couldn't believe that I would give him a knife for his birthday and was insulted as a result. Was it wrong for me to give him this (very expensive) knife for his birthday?
A. No, of course not. It may be that he wanted a romantic gift of some sort and didn't understand the
caring behind your choice, or the expense to get him the "perfect" present. Your gift was thoughtful and
personal, supporting a favorite interest of his. However, instead of guessing what was insulting, you
should ask him why he feels that way. Good, open communication prevents other misunderstandings in
the future.
For the week of May 1, 2006
Q. I will be attending my niece's wedding in May. I found a beautiful dress with a jacket. It is white. Is there any reason that a guest should not wear white at a wedding? Is it reserved for brides only?
A. Generally, white and ivory are reserved for the bride. If your suit is tailored and you can possibly
accessorize with color, and it in no way resembles a wedding dress or is remotely close to what the bride
is wearing, it is acceptable.
For the week of April 24, 2006
Q. As a bridesmaid, am I required to give a wedding gift if I am already paying for my dress, the bachelorette party in Vegas (I live in NY), and a shower gift?
A. Wedding attendants bear considerable costs to be a part of a wedding party, and for that reason,
each of the attendants is certainly not required to give an individual wedding gift to the couple. A gift is
often given jointly instead. Still, if an attendant is already stretched beyond his or her means, he or she
is not mandated to give or contribute towards another gift. The attendant should feel comfortable
deciding what is appropriate: a small, meaningful token, a traditional gift, or none at all.
For the week of April 17, 2006
Q. How soon prior to a college graduation should my son send out his invitations? Is it a month prior like a wedding?
A. Six to eight weeks prior is fine, especially if people have to travel to attend. Advance notice will give
them a chance to find the best rates for transport and lodging.
For the week of April 10, 2006
Q. While at a dinner party last evening, I inadvertently ruined someone's curtains. We were playing a game of charades and in my excitement I knocked over a candle sending wax splatter all over their draperies. The hosts were more than gracious, assuring me not to worry over the damage, but I cannot get it off my mind. Should I buy them new drapes? Send a note of apology? Offer to try to remove the wax? Any insight would be a great help.
A. Yes, it would be appropriate to call or send a note extending your apologies again. It would be
thoughtful but not mandatory to offer to have the curtains cleaned or replaced if necessary.
For the week of April 3, 2006
Q. On the weekends, one of my greatest indulgences is the ability to sleep late. Unfortunately, my in-laws call and wake us up almost every weekend. It is not uncommon for them to call as early as 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday or Sunday. In my opinion, this is extremely rude and thoughtless and is making me resent them. What is the most tactful way to handle this problem?What do etiquette rules say about early morning telephone calls?
A. As a general rule, place your calls between 9:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. unless you are certain a friend
or relative doesn’t mind being called earlier or later. Even those who don’t go to bed at nine o’clock may
consider their day “closed” after that hour.
This being said, you and/or your husband may tell your in-laws that although you enjoy speaking with
them, you would appreciate it if they would not call before a certain time since you look forward to
sleeping in on the weekends. Then ask them graciously for their understanding and cooperation.
For the week of March 27, 2006
Q. What is the acceptable length of time within which to send your thank you notes out after a baby shower?
A. If possible, you should try to send all your thank-you notes before the baby is born. If the notes are
sent afterwards, it would be reasonable to expect thank-you notes to be sent up to two months after the
baby's arrival—at the latest. However, this is only a guideline and each situation is unique.
For the week of March 20, 2006
Q. If someone writes you a letter of reference for a position, what is the appropriate manner of thanking him or her? Especially if you get the job!
A. Write a sincere and heartfelt thank-you note for your reference's kindness and support. If it is in
your budget, you might send flowers or a gift of thanks, but this isn't expected or essential.
For the week of March 13, 2006
Q. My boyfriend and I do not see eye to eye on the following issue, and I am hopeful that you can help.First of all, my boyfriend and I have been 'dating' for 10 years and living together for 9 years. His sister has twin boys and sends invitations each year for their birthday party. Every year for the 6 years they have been alive the invitation has come addressed to only 'Uncle Will.' Well, this year I chose not to go, as I am tired of not being included on the invitation. I know I'm not officially 'Aunt Lilly' and have never asked to be called by that name, but do feel that if I'm invited to the party that she should take the time to include my name on the invitation. Am I out of line to feel this way? (The Christmas cards come the same way.)
A. No, you are not out of line at all. Your boyfriend needs to tell his sister that it is hurtful to him
and to you to have you excluded from every invitation. You share a home, and while not officially Aunt Lilly,
you are his significant other and need to be included and addressed as such. It is his job to do this, and
it is something he should do immediately. It may be that his sister is intentionally slighting you, but more
probable that she simply doesn't know the right way to include your name. It's simple: Mr. Will Johnson
and Ms. Lilly Bloom.
For the week of March 6, 2006
Q. I'm addressing wedding reception invitations. I'd like to indicate that I don't want invitees to feel obligated to bring gifts. Can you help me with the wording?
A. Ordinarily you never mention gifts on or in a wedding invitation. If this is something you need to
do, however, then the phrase "No gifts, please" is the correct one to use. Saying "gifts not necessary" or
"your presence is the best present" or other such wording still leaves it open for guests who aren't
certain whether they should or shouldn't. A perfectly clear, direct request is the correct one.
For the week of February 27, 2006
Q. We’re paying for our 23 year-old daughter’s wedding and reception, and we can only afford a party of 150 guests. How do we determine how many guests can be invited by us, the bride and groom, and the groom’s parents?
A. You divide the invitations into thirds: one third for you, one third for the groom's parents, and one
third for the bride and groom. Keep everyone limited to that number—avoid exceptions. If someone
doesn't need all the invitations allocated to him or her, those can then be divided between the other two
"groups," or the wedding size can be reduced accordingly.
For the week of February 20, 2006
Q. I have several questions regarding my April 7th Junior Prom. Both questions involve whether or not my date should pay for anything. I'm a junior girl, and my date is a sophomore boy. We've been friends for about 5 years, and I asked him because he seems like he will be a fun date. However, I was wondering whether I'm supposed to pay for the tickets, or he is. The tickets are probably going to be around $70 each. Our families are very close so I was wondering if it would affect the payment situation. Also, about 18 of my friends (including their dates) have decided to rent two stretch limos for prom. It will cost roughly $700 for the night, and I was wondering if we should ask our dates to pay for the limo rental too, or if only we should pay, considering most of us asked our dates to go with us as opposed to them asking us. Thanks for the help!
A. Sad to say, the costs are yours, both the tickets and the transportation. If he suggests going
somewhere after or there are other activities you mutually decide to participate in you could expect to
share the costs, but since you invited him, and you agreed to the limos, you are the "hostess" and pay the
costs.
For the week of February 13, 2006
Q. What was the number one response to our recent Couples Survey
question "What are the most important elements that contribute to your
successful relationship?"
A. An overwhelming number of our couples stated that saying "I
love you" was a key element in their relationships. And there are ways
to convey this sentiment without speaking: pointing to each other across
a crowded room, a quick squeeze of the hand, a wink, an arched eyebrow.
Read on to learn more about "The Language of Love."
For the week of February 6, 2006
Q. This year I received a Holiday bonus at my job. My boss requested a private meeting to thank me for my service and loyalty to the business and then presented me with the bonus. I thanked him when it was given to me. My questions are these: Does this require a follow-up thank you card or call? And is a thank you card required of a holiday bonus? Thanks again for your help and Happy New Year!
A. No, a follow-up thank-you note or call is not required since you thanked your boss at that time. Of
course, you may send a note or call to thank him again, but it's your choice.
For the week of January 30, 2006
Q. How does one person tell another that he or she has bad breath?
A. Surveys we have conducted overwhelmingly indicate that if a person has body odor or bad breath, that person wants to be told about it. They want to hear it from a friend rather than an acquaintance or a fellow office worker or a boss. The key is for the friend to talk to the person privately, perhaps starting by saying if the roles were reversed he/she would hope the person would say something to them. Keep things positive, and remember that this will most likely come as a surprise to the individual—they will most likely be sensitive about the topic, though hopefully thankful that you've brought it to their attention.
For the week of January 23, 2006
Q. We have booked a cruise through a travel agent who has done a great job for us. Is it proper or are we expected to 'tip' the agent? If so, what is a proper tip and when and how do we provide the tip to her?
A. No, there is no expectation that you tip a travel agent. She will receive commissions from the airlines, hotels, and services she has booked on your behalf. Certainly a genuine letter of thanks would be welcome, but no monetary tip is required.
For the week of January 16, 2006
Q. Should our family send thank you notes to everyone who attended my father's
wake and funeral?A. No, it is not necessary to do this. Presumably you thanked those who attended the wake when they were there, since they would have greeted you and expressed their sympathy in person. You do not have to thank those who attended the funeral services.
For the week of January 9, 2006
Q. What should you do if you receive a gift that you already have? Especially when you are opening it in front of the giver? Should you tell them that you already have it or do you just thank them politely? If you are not suppose to tell them then what do you do if someone in the room wants you to open the store packaging which will make you unable to return it on your own? What do you do in the case of younger children who you can't keep from saying that they already have the same thing? Do you offer to return it or have the giver take it back?
A. Although it is difficult, it is best to be honest, and teach children to be the same. When it is a gift for you, and a substantial gift that makes sense to exchange or return, you can say, "Oh, thank you so much. You have to know I love this because I already have it and it's wonderful. Thank you for such caring thoughts, but since I don't really need two, I'd like to give this back to you (or, I'd like to exchange it for the matching bowl, if it would be ok with you.). If it is something you can use another of, or that is big on sentiment but low in value, you simply say thank you since the process of returning something that is just a few dollars is arduous for you or the giver; you can always save it for later or share it with someone else who could use it.
You don't want to teach children to lie, but you can teach them to say, "Thank you Grandma, I love this!" presuming they do, since they have it, and set it aside to exchange. Or, you can help them learn to say, "Thank you Grandma, I already have this game but I like it so much and it is so nice of you to give it to me." Grandma can then say she will exchange it, or suggest that you do.
For the week of January 2, 2006
Q. How does one respond to Christmas cookie gifts from neighbors? I don't consider myself a good baker and would be inhibited to reciprocate with my cookies. Also, is that done? What would be appropriate action? This is new to me since moving from the Northeast to the Southwest where the people are so much more friendly and generous. Help.
A. Of course, you would thank them for the cookies. That aside, you aren't obligated to reciprocate with a gift, though it would be a thoughtful gesture. Some gift possibilities include flowers or a flowering plant appropriate for the holidays, a Christmas ornament, a CD of holiday music, a box of candy, or a bottle of wine or liquor. It's your choice.
