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For the week of December 26, 2005
Q. I've recently had a death in the family. What is the accepted practice regarding sending and receiving holiday greeting cards around this time?
A. It is fine to both send and receive, and you will receive cards from some friends and family. Whether you choose to opt out of sending for a year is entirely your choice. If you do choose to send holiday greetings, they probably would not be jolly ones but rather wishes for peace, well-being, and the sentiments of the season.
For the week of December 12, 2005
Q. Is it acceptable to use computer generated address labels for Christmas cards or is it more appropriate to go the more traditional hand-written address route?
A. It is not unacceptable to use labels, and many people do. This does not seem to offend the recipients, since it is the card that matters, and a holiday card is not a formal correspondence like a wedding invitation with hand-written envelopes preferred.
For the week of November 28, 2005
Q. My daughter and I were just invited to attend a theater production by a friend who, to put it frankly, is in a much higher tax bracket. She made a point that she would like us to come as her guests, but I'm somewhat uncomfortable having her pay for the expensive tickets. Would it be rude of me to ask if I could reimburse her for the tickets? Or should I show my appreciation afterward by inviting her as a guest to another event? I like her very much, but I don't want to feel 'beholden' to her.
A. Instead of insisting on reimbursing her, simply ask, "Jane, we would love to attend the production with you, but please let me pay for our tickets!" If she refuses, then you can send her flowers or another thank-you gift for her generosity—and what hopefully will be a wonderful evening. Other ideas could be inviting her to tea, lunch or dinner some other time; or taking her to dinner before the show or out for coffee after, which would compliment the evening and resolve your feelings of discomfort.
For the week of November 14, 2005
Q. I am visiting my boyfriend’s home for Thanksgiving this year. It will be my first time meeting many of his family members. I was planning on bringing a dessert as well as a small gift for his mother (a Thanksgiving candle centerpiece). Should I also send a formal thank-you card? Thank you, in advance, for your assistance.
A. As you are bringing a hostess gift—and pitching in with dessert—it is not mandatory for you to send a formal thank-you card. There are, however, two simple reasons for sending your thanks: your boyfriend’s parents will surely enjoy a nice note after the holiday weekend, and it will give them a warm impression of you and your thoughtfulness.
For the week of November 7, 2005
Q. My parents have been divorced for many years now. My mom is re-married. My father is expecting that mom chip in for my upcoming wedding. He is very generous and has no problem helping financially. He does however have a problem with mom not thinking she should have to contribute. I know that nobody HAS to contribute. I would however be interested in knowing what is expected from parents that are divorced.
A. There are no "rules" as to how much divorced parents are expected to contribute individually to their daughter's wedding. As you said, no one has to contribute. It's a personal decision. However, if your mother can afford to, it would be thoughtful for her to offer to help contribute to the expenses.
For the week of October 31, 2005
Q.I recently had a Halloween costume party for my 5-year old and some of her classmates. Two of the Moms brought me hostess gifts. One was a gift certificate to my family's favorite ice cream parlor and another Mommy brought me a houseplant.
My initial instinct was to send thank-you’s. But, when talking to my cousin, he said that it was not necessary because the gifts given were essentially thank you's for their invites.
Seemed simple at first, but I would like to do the right thing. Please tell me what is the appropriate way to respond, if at all.
A. If you thanked the moms in person for their gifts, your cousin is right. If you opened them later and didn't get a chance to thank them in person, then a phone call is fine to say thanks, or a note if you prefer.
For the week of October 24, 2005
Q. A good friend's father just passed away suddenly. She has two small children. In addition to a note and offers of babysitting, is it appropriate to send food to the house? What other gestures are appropriate in this kind of situation?
A. It is appropriate to do anything at all that can help her at this difficult and sad time, from babysitting to delivering food to simply sending an arrangement of flowers to her home. She may just need a friend to talk to, as well. Make it clear that you are there for her and offer a series of suggestions, such as those above, that might be helpful during this very hard time for her.
For the week of October 17, 2005
Q. My mother-in-law often asks her children (and in-laws) if we want to contribute to wedding gifts for weddings/receptions that she and my father-in-law are invited to and attend.
Am I wrong to believe that it is customary to give a gift only if I (or my husband) receive an invitation to the event? I don't want to come across as cheap or rude, but we hardly know many of these people...
A. No, you are not wrong. If you are not invited to the wedding, your mother-in-law should not expect you to contribute to a gift.
For the week of October 10, 2005
Q. Is it proper or improper to use a piece of bread to push food onto your fork?
A. If a piece of food keeps eluding your fork, it is fine to use a piece of bread as a pusher.
For the week of October 3, 2005
Q. If one is invited to an engagement party do you bring a gift?
A. An engagement present is certainly not a requirement, though people have felt recently that the converse is true. When you see gifts at a large party, don’t feel like you’re the odd man out—there is no faux pas here. If you are invited to a small dinner party or other intimate gathering in honor of an engagement, those invited are presumed to be very close and would likely take a gift. Remember—this is not required, but appropriate in more personal settings.
For the week of September 26, 2005
Q. Is it okay to blow your nose in front of people (for instance in their living room or at a restaurant)? Should you leave the room and do this in private?
A. Nose-blowing in front of others should be limited to small puffs. If what is required is big, noisy nose-blowing, this should be conducted in private. It is distasteful to others to hear or see someone beleaguered by mucus deal with it in front of them.
For the week of July 18, 2005
Q. I have a friend who is renewing her wedding vows. They have been married 25 years and their original ceremony was very small. She would like to throw her bouquet and garter and would like to know —is this proper to do at the reception following the renewal ceremony?
A. Vow renewal ceremonies have become more and more popular in today's culture. Years ago, the ceremony was more low-key and sentimental, but by today's standards, the ceremony and reception can be as large and elaborate as the couple wishes. It is perfectly fine to duplicate some features of a wedding, including the music, vows, exchange of rings—anything they wish. The reception can also take any form, from a quiet family dinner to a gala affair with a re-creation of the couple's original wedding cake, a round of toasts, dancing, and any other elements they wish to incorporate.
For the week of July 11, 2005
Q. My husband and I recently received a wedding invitation from my sister's stepson (whom I have met maybe once or twice) and his fiancé. The invitation was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. James. Our last name is Jacobson. The name of the city was also misspelled, but not as grossly as our surname. My husband and I were both taken aback—we not sure how this happened.
My question to you is, how do I handle this? Do I respond as if there was no error? We do not plan to attend the wedding. If we send a gift, how do we let them know who it is from?
A. Send back your response card/rsvp to indicate your regrets, and include a short, polite note to indicate the discrepancy. After you do this, when they receive your gift, they will be sure to know who sent it.
Try not to let yourself get upset about the gaff—mistakes happen, especially in dealing with the minutiae of wedding planning. There may have been several lists of wedding guests that were copied over and over, and given to whoever addressed the invitations, within which some details may have dropped out.
For the week of July 4, 2005
Q. My boyfriend and I just bought our first house together and some of our friends/relatives are telling us we should have a housewarming party. I always thought that someone else was supposed to plan and throw the party for you at the new house and that you're not supposed to throw it for yourself. Is it proper? Who is right?
A. A housewarming party is hosted by the new homeowners (or renters) to welcome friends and family to their new home, to give tours and receive compliments, and to serve food and have friends help "warm" their residence with their caring and affection.
For the week of June 27, 2005
Q. My daughter's wedding was cancelled by the groom to be 5 weeks prior to the wedding. Is it still proper for her to return the diamond when we (her parents) have paid for various deposits and wedding-related expenses? Secondly, they have returned wedding gifts they received beforehand. Should they also return shower gifts?
A. The engagement ring should be returned. It is not unreasonable to ask the former groom-to-be or his family for some help in the costs that must be paid that you incurred in good faith. They have no obligation to contribute or to reimburse you, but it would certainly be a way to reach a peaceful conclusion to this unfortunate situation. All conversations regarding the division of expenses should be polite and dignified. Your daughter is doing the right thing returning the wedding gifts that were already received. Shower gifts should also be returned with a short note of explanation. Your daughter and her ex-fiance should share the workload for this task.
For the week of June 20, 2005
Q. Is it proper etiquette for an expectant mother to host a baby shower for her 2nd baby?
A. While it is never appropriate for someone to host a shower (baby or bridal) for themselves, it is perfectly fine to throw a baby shower for a mother’s second or third baby, as long as the guest list is limited to close relatives and very close friends and/or guests who did not attend a shower for the first child. It is an especially nice event for the mother-to-be if several years have passed since the last baby was born, since the parents will have fewer hand-me-downs for the new arrival. Location can also play a part. When a growing family has moved to another city or town, it makes sense for their new friends to throw a shower, regardless of how many children the parents have.
For the week of June 13, 2005
Q. My daughter, who lives in Virginia, is getting married. Since we live in Massachusetts, at least five couples we are friendly with, I know for a fact, will not be attending the wedding. I do not want her to send them an invitation. I feel that she is looking for a gift from them by doing so. I know they will send her a gift without an invitation anyway. Can you please help settle this disagreement.
A. It really isn't a courtesy to send a wedding invitation to someone you know won't be able to travel to the wedding, for a wedding invitation requires that a gift be sent in return. Instead, announcements may be sent, as early as the day after the wedding, to all those people with whom you would like to share the happy news in a more formal sort of way. An announcement does not obligate the recipient to send a gift. Some will, and some will send a card, but there is no requirement that they do so. Announcements are a great way to share your happy news without making anyone uncomfortable, including you!
For the week of June 6, 2005
Q. I just received an announcement for a cousin's high school graduation. He lives in Colorado, and we live in California. There is no RSVP, just a graduation picture and a pretty invitation to his commencement. Is this just an 'announcement' or is it a 'request' for a gift?
A. If there is an actual invitation to the graduation ceremony, then I would consider this an invitation. Simply call whoever issued the invitation and RSVP whether it was requested or not. You may want to send a small gift or at least a congratulatory card to acknowledge the occasion since you were invited to the commencement.
By comparison, a graduation announcement would be sent after the ceremony is official, and would not obligate you to send a gift -- it is simply a great way to share a huge accomplishment and wonderful news. In that case you may choose to send a gift, a card, and still or do nothing at all, but no recipient is required to send a gift.
For the week of May 30, 2005
Q. I was recently married and did not receive gifts from three good friends (one a groomsman). Perhaps these people just did not give a gift or will be sending one in the future. However, I am concerned that perhaps they did give a gift but it was misplaced or stolen at the wedding. Is there a proper way for me to investigate whether or not a gift was given?
A. In a situation like this, and it is not unusual, the best thing you can do is write a letter to the so-far non-gift-giving guests. Thank them for being with you on your special day and express your pleasure in having them be there. This shows your excellent manners and enables them to write back or call and say, "gee, you didn’t mention my gift… did you receive it?" If you don’t write, and they did give you a gift, they will think you are one of those ill-mannered couples who don’t write thank-you notes and think badly of you. You can explain what happened if they call or write in response to your note. If they didn’t give you a gift, they will nonetheless be impressed that you wrote!
