Q1. I’m planning a bachelorette party for my best friend. Since I’m technically the host, am I expected to pick up the tab for everyone?
Anna: the bachelorette party is one event where the hosts aren’t expected to foot the bill for everyone. Typically, everyone chips in to cover the cost of the bride’s dinner and drinks, since she’s the one being honored. Any arrangement you come up with is fine, however—just be sure that everyone is on the same page before the night begins.
Q2. Do we really have to invite our wedding officiant to the rehearsal dinner? We hardly know him.
Anna: Yes. If nothing else, you’ll be much more comfortable with him or her the next day, having spent time socializing. Remember, too, that this person is joining you—for life—to your true love. Returning the favor with a nice dinner isn’t a bad way to say “thank you.”
Q3. Can we invite our guests in “tiers,” starting with those we really want there, and then sending out more invitations as regrets come back?
Anna: A standby guest list is a risky proposition, since it creates the potential for hurt feelings or for guests to feel slighted. I’m hesitant to encourage you to go down this road, but I do understand the realities of controlling your guest list and budget. If at all possible, invite the entire list at the same time (Typically, 10 to 20 percent of invited guests will send regrets.) If you do choose to send invitations to a standby list, be very discreet. Guests must not have even the slightest idea that they’re not your first choice. Your first wave of invitations should be mailed at least two months before the wedding. Allow a minimum of four weeks for the first set of guests to reply before sending invitations to your standby list; then be sure the second group of invitees also has at least four weeks’ advance notice of the wedding so that they have time to respond and make travel arrangements.
Q4. I know that not everyone at my reception will dance, but how can I encourage people to at least get up from their tables after dinner and mingle?
Anna: If guests want to linger over coffee and dessert at their tables, that really is okay. But I do love the idea of putting some chairs, benches or ottomans around the edge of the dance floor, so that people can feel a little more included in the dancing, even if they aren’t kicking up their heels themselves. Just be sure to leave a little room between them and the dance floor!
Q5. I’m not a fan of the very posed pictures most wedding photographers produce, but I’d still like a professional to be in charge. Any suggestions?
Anna: An old roommate of mine who wanted more candid—but professional—photos of her wedding and reception chose to use a journalistic photographer. He had done weddings before, so she had an idea of what to expect, and the results were such a success that two other friends of hers have used him since. Be sure to find one with wedding experience and check out their portfolio and references first. Then don’t forget to smile—you never know when they might catch you!
Q6: I haven’t had time to find a gift for my friends prior to their wedding. But I have up to a year after their wedding to send a gift—right?
Anna: No, not really. The idea that you have a year in which to send a wedding gift is a myth. Ideally, you should either send your gift before the wedding or bring it to the reception. If you haven’t given a gift by the time the wedding is held, send one as soon as you can. And while I’m not endorsing the one-year rule, the bottom line is: Better late than never. I’ve heard from a lot of couples who are really hurt that one of their guest didn’t send a present. This isn’t about greed for gifts; the fact is, lack of a gift translates into a feeling that the guest must not care enough to bother. In the end, it’s always best to send a gift—no matter how late it is—along with a note apologizing for the delay.
Q7: When my fiancé and I get married next month the only children we’re planning to invite are our nieces and nephews. We just heard from some close friends, who asked if they could bring their kids to the wedding. I really don’t want them to, but I’m not sure how to turn them down. What should I say?
Anna: Simple. Just tell them sorry, but the wedding is an adults-only affair except for your immediate family. If they’re traveling from out-of-town as a family, you can also offer to locate a babysitter to watch their kids during the wedding. Once you’ve indicated that children aren’t invited to a wedding or any other event, it’s best not to make any exceptions. If you do, the other guests—who didn’t ask and just found sitters—will be annoyed that you let someone else bring their kids. As it is, by asking you to overlook the “no children” rule in their case, your friends are putting you in an awkward position.
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